My Partner Speaks English - How Can I Help Them Learn My Language?

It’s easy to fall in love, even without words. But sadly, learning a language doesn’t become easier even if you’re in love. Just like good relationships, learning a language is a long-term game. It takes compromise, commitment, and a bit of hard work.

The easiest way to communicate as a couple is to stay in the language you were using when you met. Most couples settle on a common “official language”. For me and my partner, it’s English. English is my everyday language, and I don’t have the habit of switching into German with my partner. As for him, he didn’t come out of school with remarkable knowledge or confidence when it comes to foreign languages.

Most of the time, our life together works just fine. But I do wonder:

• “Do we have to move to Germany before my husband has the opportunity to become a German speaker?”
• “How can I walk the line between forcing him to pick up my language, and encouraging him to discover the culture of my home country?”
• “How can I help him learn German without becoming his teacher?”

We are facing that classic native English dilemma: If everyone else speaks English already, where’s the urgency and pressure to learn another language?

Love is a Deep Motivator

No matter where your partner is from, you’re likely to spend a lifetime trying to figure out what exactly goes on in their head. As Carol Madfouh puts it in this lovely article on language learning for love:

“For us and any other couple from a mixed marriage you are having to work that wee bit harder the whole time to understand the mentality (…) I’m never quite certain whether I am pissed off with him because he’s Tunisian, because he’s French, because he’s a man… or whether just because he’s old!”

If you are the partner who is learning a new language for love, I want to thank you and congratulate you. I know it’s not easy, but you’re doing something amazing. Your desire for a deeper connection has a lot of value. It serves as your Vision Goal, the consistent motivation that keeps you committed to the problem.

Tips for Sharing Your Language With Your Partner

If you are the partner who wishes you could share more of your own language and culture in your relationship, I’m with you. It can be tough to walk the line between sharing your language and nagging someone to learn it.

Here are the things you can try for keeping your sweetheart motivated without putting too much pressure on them.

1) Talk to Third Parties

Every language learner knows that it feels bad to understand nothing, especially when you care about the person who is speaking to you. Introducing your native language into the household becomes a lot easier when there’s a third party around. Adding bilingualism to the home is common when you have a child (try Bilingual Avenue for more tips). But even if you don’t have kids, it helps to have your partner hear simple dialogues in another language.

If you are an expat yourself, your sweetheart likely won’t hear a lot of your native language outside the home. But what about your own circle of friends? Try and see if you can invite a fellow native speaker around the home, giving you more occasion to throw in a few words of vocabulary now and then.

At the Polyglot Gathering in Bratislava, one fellow expat wife told me she switched to talking to her pet in another language. What a great idea! This way you can keep your native language active in the home without putting the pressure on way high.

2) Let Them Know What To Expect

One of the trickiest parts of switching into your native language with your partner is that you can never be sure what mood they are in. They may respond with curiosity and enthusiasm one day, only to roll their eyes and ask to be left alone the next. So it’s helpful to make your non-English moments a little more predictable.

• Try setting up an English-free zone in your house, where your partner knows they will be able to practice. I can’t decide if I would suggest the bedroom for this, or tell you to avoid that at all costs..
• Have a regular date night with your native language where you spend time experiencing something new like a restaurant, dance lesson, or language meet up
• Set language times or days, so you know that both of you have agreed to switch languages once a week

3) Treat Language as an In-Joke

In an animated discussion on language learning, Idahosa Ness from the Mimic Method shared that a past girlfriend and he would speak her native language to each other as a sign of closeness. Learning the language came more easily to him as he felt he was in on a private joke with his sweetheart.

Just like nicknames, sharing a second language can make any couple feel more deeply connected. If you want to build your own private language together, try starting with a few loving phrases, or learning the words related to something you love to do together.

4) Share Your Background Without The Language Barrier

If your partner lacks confidence when it comes to learning your native language, you can still offer many fun ways of engaging with your background. Bring in foods or music from home, or discuss the politics of your home country. As long as the topic is interesting to your partner, it will serve as an inspiration for both of you to connect to each other’s cultures.

Sharing traditions of your home country is what makes you special as a couple. It can also create memories that last for life. At my wedding in Germany, my husband asked for us to act out the German tradition of sawing a log together as the couple. My parents happily obliged…with a pretty blunt saw! The experience of my neighbour running in to “rescue the couple” with his chainsaw won’t be forgotten any time soon.

What's more romantic than a bit of mansplanation about sawing logs?!

5) Learn a third language together

The biggest problem with teaching your native language to your sweetheart is that it can create a power imbalance. You don’t want them to feel like the stupid one, right? Some couples have reported that learning a third language together became a great leveller and hobby. Go for something that you both consider relatively neutral and easy, such as Esperanto. This way, it’s their chance to flex those study muscles without feeling any pressure.

Respect Your Partner’s Learning Style

Allow your partner to determine the pace and learning style that they prefer. Even if you are a polyglot who swears by using Anki cards, their own preference might be for starting out in an adult class at the local college. Keep them accountable to their own goals, but never to demand unreasonable efforts. It may help to discuss their language learning goals together and to keep easy accountability through something like the Language Habit Toolkit. Like a good tutor, your job is to inspire motivation and excitement and to refrain from judgement.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone from a different country? How did you go about language learning? Tell me more in the comments below. I’m excited to hear those stories.

Motivated by Vladimir Putin's Russian (with Kris Broholm)

In episode 55, friend of the show Kris Broholm from Actual Fluency joined me to discuss mindset and accountability in language learning that come from a place of reality and gentle confidence.

Tune in to hear us chat and share:

• Great advice for English speakers who want to have early success in a new language
• Language learning is such a complicated jigsaw puzzle, so how can we really track what we have actually learnt?
• Is it presumptuous, are you lacking humility if you set yourself a big, impressive goal?
• How the reason you are learning a language is DIRECTLY connnected to the success that you are going to have a week, 3 months, and perhaps 12 months down the line
• The one thing you MUST have in order to get language learning motivated - a sense of "this is who I am"

Four Tendencies in Language Learning

We revisit perspectives on the 4 tendencies framework Lindsay and I discussed in episode 32. Kris is on record as an Obliger, saying:

"It would be Embarrassing to tell people that I gave up."

You can take a test to determine your own tendency here.

Links From This Episode

• Vladimiar Putin interviewed by Oliver Stone (sadly, no bear or horse)
• The Language Habit Toolkit
• Gretchen Rubin
• Kris's Course Language Routine Mastery
• Clear the List on Kris's Actual Fluency blog
• The James Altucher Podcast

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What Gets Easier When You Study More Languages?

When you are learning your first foreign language, everything feels bizarre. Somewhere in your mind, it seems nuts that you might know that language confidently one day.

You start to look around at multilingual people, you watch a few YouTube videos, read a few blog articles. There's clearly people out there who are learning languages. They seem to know more than just one or two - some people know more than 10 languages!

Like most polyglots, people often ask me how many languages I speak. But recently, I was asked one question that made me think more deeply about why and how learning more languages works for me:

Does it get easier when you are learning more languages?

The short answer is "yes". It definitely does.

Here are the things that are helpful, relevant, and different when you are learning your 7th language.

1) You Know What Language Learning Strategy Works For You

When I first started learning languages, there was one source of information that told me how to learn languages: my teacher. No one told me about the Goldlist method and Anki and even the International Phonetic Alphabet.

Sounds like I had all the chances to mess up, right? But my language isolation bubble had a silver lining: I had the freedom to develop a learning strategy that works for me. I simply discarded the things that waste my time, and perfected those that I need. I amused my mum with vocab sheets taped to the bathroom mirror. I tried, tested, and grew my own masterplan, learning to trust my instincts.

If you follow language learning blogs, you know that there are many methods out there. Bloggers like Benny Lewis advocate speaking very early in the process, others like Gabe Wyner talk about pronunciation above all things. What you discover over the course of many language learning years is that you are always doing it right. The doubt of whether you are using "the best method" simply goes away.

The big secret to learning any language is this: Just don't stop.

2) You Become Confident About Your Language Learning Skill

When people learn a language in school, they often experience languages in a box. They're are on the curriculum, so they're taught inside a classroom and rarely used outside of one. The idea that there are whole communities in the world actually living their lives in different words seems kinda nice...but what's it got to do with you?

Even at exam times, you're tested on theory and abstract skill. The exam papers are about correct grammar and vocabulary. That's undoubtedly important, but it misses out on the greatest part of learning a language: realizing that you can make an amazing connection, right now.

When you start out with your first language or even your first 2 or 3, there is that lurking question inside:

"Am I really able to do this?"

But as you stick with the process, here is what changes: It stops being a classroom exercise. No one who is learning a 5th or 6th has got there without finding a spark that brings their language out of the box. The spark is different for all of us, but once you've got it you know that "good performance" isn't the point. It's all about connection and trusting the process.

I no longer ask myself if I can do this. I know that, given time and dedication, I can learn any language to a very high level. And the reason I know this is because I know that it doesn't matter - I will always be doing this for myself, too. That's what the spark did for me.

3) You Realize There Are Always More Languages to Learn

No matter if you have learnt one language, or seven, or 20: There will always be more languages to learn. Being a prolific language learner is a lifetime commitment, a little like a lifestyle change. I have now realised that I am never going to learn all the languages that are on my list, because that list is forever going to grow.

Our planet and the human race are so wonderfully diverse. We are blessed with thousands of languages, communication systems and scripts. Once you dive into learning one or two of those languages, you enter this amazing world of human communication. And by language number 7, you'll have caught the communication bug.

Even the most multilingual people in the world know fewer than 100 languages. They're certainly not done. I stilll have to work hard to learn a new language, and I still feel like I know nothing. Achieve fluency in many languages - it will open your mind to what you don't know!

4) You Know Being a Polyglot Ain't Special

Learning foreign languages is an unusual hobby, and in monolingual cultures like most of the UK, it's even more of a rarity. At the same time, most people have touched a bit of a foreign language - enough to know that it can make your brain hurt. So the conclusion people draw becomes that it takes a special language gift (perhaps a different brain?).

I believe that learning many foreign languages is a wonderful and incredible achievement. The work, commitment, focus, and dedication of prolific language learners are incredible.

But know that there is no language gene, or polyglot brain. Someone who knows many languages is just as capable as you are. When you are on language number 5 or number 10, you're more efficient, knowing more about your own favourite methods. But it's still hard work.

So here's my bottom line: You should learn a language because it will show you incredible things about your own capabilities. There's nothing to it, really. Nothing you've not got already, anyway.

Which Good Lessons Can You Add?

I'd love to hear your stories in the comments below. And of course, stay encouraged and keep going. You can totally do this.

For more information about coaching and access to lots of free toolkits and worksheets, check out my book The Vocab Cookbook and hop onto the Fluent Language Newsletter today - can't wait to say hello to you on there!

Progress Report after 13 Months of "Slow Welsh Language Study"

Waw, mae'r amser yn rhedeg...time flies (or runs, as my dodgy translation implies).

I have been learning this new language for about 13 months now...so let's have a look what the middle ground looks like!

Before you read the post, download your copy of the free "Teach Yourself Toolkit" in the Fluent Cool Kids Club. It's got links to all the resources I use.

I Spoke Lots of Welsh in Wales!

Back in August, I fulfilled one of this year's language goals and spoke Welsh at the Eisteddfod, the National Festival of Wales. The festival was one week long, with a big site located in Abergavenny, South Wales.

I pitched up my tent for 4 days at one of the official campsites. What a total delight! Immediately, I was hearing people of all ages speak Welsh around me and everyone addressed me in Welsh. In fact, I was surprised, because turns out..

Welsh is real, mae'r Gymraeg yn go iawn!

It's not a postcard language, and it's not even a dying language. Not when you hear and see it all around you, witnessing thousands of people as they celebrate their art, music and identity. Even though I had been learning the language for a year, this was my first experience of feeling how truly alive Welsh is in this world.

In terms of culture and enjoyment, the Welsh festival was amazing. Wales is such a small country that you can make friends with everyone in just a week. From meeting the bands I love (Plu, Candelas) to hanging out with the creators and learners of Say Something in Welsh, every conversation evolved naturally. I often found myself invited to film screenings and discussions (lots of gwin am ddim - free wine!), quickly forgetting I was attending the festival on my own.

Language Immersion is Easy

The Eisteddfod visit showed me that it doesn't take much to create an environment where you learn this new language. Simply go where people speak it. Hearing the language spoken around me was a boost even before I opened my mouth. Yet I also worked on creating speaking opportunities from the start by volunteering as a steward so I was forced to get involved and talk to people from the minute I arrived. It was the perfect Welsh immersion environment.

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Impressions from Eisteddfod week

I liked having English as a backup. It was very reassuring to know that I can stop or ask for a word when I need to... I would have never remembered the word for "self-employed" (hynan cyflogedig) if it hadn't been for so many reminders from my conversation partners.

The Fight For Welsh Language Rights

One of the groups I want to highlight is Cymdeithas yr Iaith, an advocacy group for Welsh language rights.

Cymdeithas is an activist group founded in 1962, promoting the right of Welsh citizens to live their lives in two languages. Without them, there would be no bilingual road signs. Old Welsh people may not understand official letters sent in English only. And there would be no education in Welsh. In other words, the language would be dying a lot faster.

Find out more about language rights in our podcast episode with Wikitongues.

If you want to join me at the next Eisteddfod, here's a helpful guide for English speakers.

Speaking and Understanding Welsh After 14 Months

The benefits of visiting Wales and speaking and hearing my target language took hold right away. I was myself having a 15 minute Welsh conversation with an old man in a tiny village, just one week after.

Since returning from Wales, it's been tough to maintain this immersion but I continued to practice. Back in October, I booked a tutoring session with Mererid and my range of conversation was HUGELY improved. It's really great to know that you're impressing your tutor!

I continue to work through the Say Something in Welsh lessons and switched from the old to the new course system back in September. Yes, so I started at the beginning again but that doesn't feel like a setback at all. I loved the opportunity to consolidate my language skills so far. In fact, I got through the first 8 lessons at 1.5 speed, and am now halfway through the course. Say Something in Welsh is intense at times, and it's making me feel like a very confident speaker. I'm also reading a lot of Welsh as I subscribed to the learner magazine Lingo Newydd.

Grammar and Vocab in Welsh

My system is to practice WLCR (Write, Look, Cover, Repeat) using my own notebook. I also maintain a personal Memrise course with the 30% of words that are the hardest to remember. So overall, my vocabulary in Welsh has now grown to about 500-700 solid words - maybe 1000? Who's counting! Studying vocabulary is never going to be a walk in the park when you don't have classes or conversations every day.

--> Learn more about WLCR techniques in my Vocab Cookbook

I'm very happy with my grammar progress, finding that I'm able to say and describe more patterns (he says mae o'n dweud...he said naeth o'n dweud...he was saying oedd o'n dweud ...and so on). Everything still seems to have lots of extra rules and dialects, but I've not had to study many tables at all.

Being an experienced language learner is a big advantage for me here. I find myself seeing patterns and recognising the rules a lot more quickly, and I am confident when I make new sentences out of these structures. I always loved how language can be so playful when you get a pattern.

My Welsh Language Level After 13 Months?

I'm not performing to a set standard, however I've recently downloaded the Mynediad (Beginners) exam guidelines. I'm planning to work through these materials with a tutor. I am pretty much there, meaning I've reached the end of level A1 by studying "little and often" for a little bit more than a year.

Is this impressive? No idea. I don't feel that I would be able to share this on YouTube as a major polyglot win, but at the same time this is something I know I've learnt for life.

The thing about studying for 13 months is this: My time is not wasted just because I've not learnt everything yet. It is time well spent, moving forward, step by step to conversation levels. When you think about how quickly you can learn a language, it's easy to consider any slow periods as "wasted time", but I believe that the long-term commitment is what counts when you want to progress and grow your mind.

What's Next?

In terms of listening, I wish that I had more opportunities to hear real people instead of TV or radio characters. I feel ready to graduate from TV subtitles, but the radio and TV are still too fast for me. What to do?

As a podcast junkie, I would love a slow Welsh news podcast like News in Slow French, or perhaps a learner's story show. I have heard that there's some useful stuff on YouTube, but it's not enough. Give me more Welsh!

My biggest goal is to speak and eavesdrop more. I want to be able to witness conversations in Welsh easily, so that means the following practical goals for December:

1. Book another tutoring session
2. Speak Welsh at Polyglot Pub on 6 December
3. Spend an hour every week listening to the language, ideally spoken by real people around me (failing that, BBC Cymru and S4C will do)

I'm also planning a social media project based on my friend Lindsay's new Social Media Course. More about that in the next blog update!

How Are You Getting On In Your Language?

Are you learning lots, or struggling to find time? Let me know in the comments below!

How to Stay Motivated in Language Learning (Even When You're Not Feeling It)

In our latest podcast episode, my co-host Lindsay Dow and I found ourselves discussing one of the big topics in language learning: the ultimate struggles, good moments and bad moments.

These are true for every language learner we've ever spoken to, so if you're suffering from one of these issues, you are most definitely not alone. And since I've recently spent a bit of time hitting the books to learn more about the science of language learning in linguistics and psychology, I've added 4 research-backed motivation tips to help you love language learning again.

The Ultimate Good In Language Learning

1) Understanding Something You Didn't Expect to Understand

No matter if it's a few words of an overheard conversation or the name of a shop, there is magic in that moment when you realize you know this language. When you understand something new, you participate in unlocking the world around yourself - truly a moment worth waiting and working for!

And as Lindsay points out, this is one reward that never goes away after you cash in. Language learning is an eternal project, and that good feeling is going to be yours time and time again as you improve your skills.

In scientific research, the good feelings and sense of joy you gain from using your intelligence and learning something new are called intrinsic motivation. This describes actions you undertake out of interest, curiosity or because you find something personally rewarding (and not because you're getting paid or instructed). Those moments of feeling smarter and experiencing your personal growth are the internal payment you give yourself for all the hard work of language study.

Becoming aware of them and making a note when you do feel awesome is a great way to stay motivated later in the game, so try keeping a learning diary or sharing your achievements with others whenever you understand something new. You can even start today by commenting here on the blog!

2) Showing People That You Can Speak Their Language

I had this moment in an airport café once. My waitress was just dropping off the bill and as I that noticed the little Polish flag on her name tag, I said "oh, you speak Polish!" She stopped for a few minutes and we started chatting about Poland, Germany and languages, with me demonstrating the very few Polish words I know. But as soon as I even said czesz (hello), her eyes lit up. She said she was so excited and pleased that someone was learning her native language, and how rare it was for this to happen in London. I was excited too, so happy that I'd managed to make her morning.

Even when you can only say 5 words in someone's language, your interest and respect for their home can really make their day. Have you ever found yourself in that feeling? For me it's one of the most wonderful things that can happen to a language learner, and it always keeps me going and trying.

The reward of connecting with new people is a motivation for many language learners. Social psychologist Robert Gardner called this the integrative motive, recognising how language learning motivation can be affected by how much you want to talk to people, how much you want to connect and how curious you are about your target language's culture.

Does that sound familiar to you? If you're feeling like you need a boost for studying, try connecting with someone new. It could be a native speaker on italki or a friend at an event - what matters is that you remember how great it is to connect with people who speak your target language.

The Ultimate Struggle in Language Learning

We are all such busy people, and it's hard to put a foreign language up there along with other priorities like family care, paid work, or (for me) editing a podcast. Life's crazy, you guys, and that's why I have put time management at the top of all our language learning struggle charts.

Procrastination is a big issue here too. You sit around and find yourself doing the dishes or pairing your socks before you'll even look at that vocab list again.

How can we beat procrastination? My top tip is to ease off the pressure, make your language learning journey more interesting (yes! more videos - sometimes!) and set yourself smaller, more challenging goals. So forget "getting fluent" for now, and ask yourself how you can get a little bit better this week.

The Ultimate Bad in Language Learning

What could be the worst thing about language learning? There are so many great reasons for learning languages, yet something stands in your way. What is it?

For me, one of the biggest boulders in the way of your fluency dreams is feeling like you are not good enough. Research has actually backed this up, showing that low self-efficacy (that's when you think you won't be able to do it) and low self-worth (that's when you think you are too stupid or forgetful or ) really do knock the motivation out of

What solution could there be? Try embracing the Growth Mindset, in other words find the benefits of being lousy right now. It means that you've got infinite scope for improvement, and there is a lot of evidence to show that nothing in language learning is beyond you right now.

It also helps to stop for a minute and look back on what you've already achieved. Learning a foreign language to "fluency" (whatever that means to you) is a long-term game, a journey in which you are always travelling forward. So give yourself some credit. What can you do now that you couldn't do a year ago?

How to Beat Your Language Learning Demons

Fear of forgetting words, fear of speaking, fear of judgement. Is that you? If you connect to those negative feelings, scroll back up to the good parts of language learning. Sometimes it's worth investing a little time in your own mindset before you go back to the books and apps.

Two things that make the negatives worthwhile and reward you so much:

1. That moment where you understand something and you didn't expect it

2. That other moment where someone's face lights up because you're learning their language

Which good moments can you add? I'd love to hear your stories in the comments below. And of course, stay encouraged and keep going. You can totally do this.

For more information about coaching and access to lots of free toolkits and worksheets, hop onto the Fluent Language Newsletter today - can't wait to say hello to you on there!